Gloria Palace Royal Hotel and Spa

Currently here enjoying a 10-night stay, and overall having a lovely time. However, there are two little “bugbears” that are becoming increasingly entertaining — mainly because the rules appear to depend on who you are. 😂

First up: The Great Sunbed Olympics.

Apparently, reserving sunbeds is strictly forbidden. Excellent rule. Fully support it.

However, every morning while I’m having breakfast — before the pool officially opens at 9am — I watch the same familiar faces perform their well-rehearsed routine.

Out they go. Towels positioned. Towel clips secured. A novel casually scattered here, bottle of factor 30 strategically placed there… and off they wander, safe in the knowledge that their preferred sunbed has been claimed for the British Empire.

So this morning I thought: Why am I not part of this exclusive little club? If you can’t beat them, join them!

Off I went. Towels down. Clips on. Job done.

Or so I thought.

Ten minutes later, looking out from the restaurant, I noticed my belongings had mysteriously vanished.

I went to ask why and was told very firmly: “You cannot reserve sunbeds”.

Fair enough.

Except, approximately 20 minutes later, I watched the same ladies trot out, perform exactly the same ceremonial sunbed reservation ritual… and then wander into breakfast.

Clearly I failed the entrance exam. Perhaps the novel and sunscreen are compulsory. 😂

Then we have the evening dress code.

The guidance mentions gentlemen wearing long trousers.

Now, I don’t generally wear long trousers on holiday, but I do wear smart, tailored long shorts with a proper shirt and closed-toe shoes. So I completely understand and respect the idea of maintaining a certain standard in the restaurant.

And then you look around…

Gym shorts. Singlets. Boob tubes. Beachwear. Outfits that suggest someone has accidentally wandered into dinner while looking for the pool.

Genuinely, I’ve seen people better dressed doing the Thursday big shop in Aldi.

So perhaps the issue isn’t really the rules — it’s the fascinatingly creative way they’re enforced.

Either enforce them consistently for everyone… or just scrap them and let us all embrace the chaos.

I’m off now to buy a paperback and some strategically placed factor 30. Apparently I’ve got a sunbed club to join. 😂

This is a lovely looking hotel overlooking the very beautiful Amadores bay. The rooms are comfortable and spacious, the balconies overlooks the sea, the staff are very helpful and friendly, great pools and sunloungers, pool towels easy to change, brilliant breakfast buffet. It can feel a bit steep on returning by foot uphill to the hotel on a very hot day but there are plentiful taxis near the beach and cost less than 4 euros to bring you back to reception if you need. The one downfall we weren't expecting is the poor evening meal - thankfully we were only half board - I have no idea what lunch is like. There is little in the way of dress code in the evening - anything goes - swim wear, sleevless vests on men, sports gear, so it is not a dress up affair if you don't want to. Some do though. The greeting by the manager is often "Welcome to the jungle". Ignore the signs that tell you to wait to be seated - find your own seats. Many of the tables have glorious views over Amadores bay. But the food...the starters are monotonous - each day little offerings in littel black dishes in rows - very boring and tasteless - a sprig of chickory with a small dollop of mayonaise, a spoon full of chopped onion and tomato etc etc. Staying for 2 weeks we soon learnt to avoid those. Next up, the mains. Lots of bones - pork bones, duck and chicken bones, goat bones, beef bones and lamb bones. No meat or sauce with the bones, just bones. Lots of plain rice, plain pasta, chips, and some vegetables - undercooked carrots, undercooked potatoes, raw green beans, well past the sell-by-date raw broccoli. There is a chef station where the chef cooks fresh fish for you - mine was cooked on the outside but raw in side. Sometimes it was cooked through nicely. There is also a special section - sometimes a roast which is lovely - unless you stand there like Oliver Twist asking for more though, you get 2 tiny pieces...1 if you are not so lucky. Sometimes there is a nice sauce to compliment it. There is also a station for fresh meat to be cooked for you - nice but sometimes dry if there isn't something saucy that night! Not so keen on burgers in a bap or rows of pizza - I can get better in any local snack bar - this is meant to be a 4* evening meal. There is a vague plan of a special theme each evening - Italian and Mexican are good. Spanigh paellas should have been amazing - one tasteless black rice one, one meat one with no meat and one fish one with no fish and rice was so undercooked it was crunchy. So on to the deserts..rows and rows of mousses that taste like flavoured instant whip. Custard with a Marie biscuit stuck in it. A small spoon of bland rice pudding in the ubiquitous little black bowls .Tinned pears, tinned pineapple, tinned fruit salad, frozed strawberries (thawed). The icecream was very bland and so soft that it had completly melted by the time you returned to the table - I am surprised it is cold enough to be safe. The other side has rows of cakes, often cut into tiny squares. some better than other, some very stodgy. No hot deserts. We wish we had booked B and B and gone out each night for a flavoursome meal. Evening food wise, it was probably the worst hotel we have ever stayed in.