Globales Los Patos Park

Probably better suited to young children. Snack food is same every day. One man cooking and serving , prepare for a hour queue . If you see a member of staff interact or smile it’s a rare thing. Please don’t splash the life guard sitting at the pool it’s not allowed.
Entertainment is non existent, nothing it is just aimed at a five year old and under.
Slides are enjoyable and pools ok. TV on wall but it’s just a black screen as internet is so bad it doesn’t work !!! What’s the point

Overall, it's a brilliant hotel if you've got kids, with loads to do and some genuinely good facilities. There are a few things that are worth knowing before you go though.

The sunbed situation is absolutely mental.

The pool doesn't even open until 10am, yet people are queuing from about 8am to get a sunbed near the pool.

8am.

For a swimming pool that isn't even open.

People are stood there looking like they're waiting for the last helicopter out of a war zone.

The funny thing is, there are loads of sunbeds if you don't mind walking an extra 30 seconds to get one. But apparently being slightly further away from the pool is unacceptable, so people queue up and fight for the front ones.

Food is actually really nice, but you will notice pretty quickly that lunch and dinner are basically the same thing every day with a few minor amendments.

Also, if you don't like pork, I'd reconsider your booking.

Pretty much every meat seems to be pork. Sausages? Pork. Meatballs? Probably pork. Something you can't quite identify? Pork.

By the end of the week I'd eaten about 40kg of the stuff and was starting to think I'd been recruited by the Spanish pork industry.

There are queues in the restaurant sometimes, but again, just don't go at 8pm when every man and his dog decides they all need dinner at exactly the same time.

Go earlier or later and it's absolutely fine.

Same with the snack bar. It gets busy, but just go when there isn't a queue. This really is the secret to the entire holiday. Don't go when everyone else goes. You're welcome.

If your kids like burgers, chips and hot dogs, they'll be in absolute heaven.

It's basically their version of a Michelin-starred restaurant.

One thing I would definitely recommend is bringing a flask or decent-sized water bottle. You can top them up all day at the side of the bars with ice-cold still water or sparkling water.

You'll be walking about 50 million steps up and down onto the slides all day anyway trying to keep up with the kids, so you'll be constantly drinking it.

Which is handy because it means the 40kg of pork you're eating doesn't have time to settle.

Now, the drink token system.

This takes a little getting used to.

When you check in, you're given drink tokens. You need one of these tokens to get a drink. No token, no drink.

You get your drink in a reusable cup, and when you're finished, you return the cup and get your token back.

Don't return the cup?

No token.

Which means you've effectively lost the ability to obtain another drink until you somehow recover your missing cup.

It turns getting a lager by the pool into a small-scale asset management exercise.

You spend the entire day walking around thinking, "Where did I put that cup?" Found it? Excellent. Drink acquired. Lost it? The finance department has closed your account.

It's actually a good system and I can see why they do it, but it does make you strangely protective over a plastic cup by about day two.

The slides are brilliant. The kids absolutely loved them and there are enough pools and slides to keep them busy all day. You'll also get your daily exercise whether you like it or not. I reckon I've walked about 700 miles this week just following children around who have absolutely no concept of walking in a straight line.

Kids club is really good too. Keeps them busy for a few hours in the morning and early afternoon, which gives you a bit of peace.

One child went back.

The other didn't.

So statistically, it's difficult to say whether it's any good.

The sample size was two and the results were inconclusive.

The all-inclusive is probably the biggest negative. You have to pay for quite a lot of stuff. Cocktails, decent ice creams, etc. You can get Tip Tops or whatever you call them where your from for free though, so if you're happy to spend your holiday eating a frozen stick of sadness, you're sorted. Note they have about 20 E numbers in them so prepare for mental kid mode.

Also, if you want a cocktail or one of the decent ice cream lollies, they don't take cash.

Because obviously.

Overall though, really good family hotel. Slides are great, pools are great, entertainment is good and there's loads to keep the kids occupied. It's not perfect and the all-inclusive is a bit of a swizz, but we'd definitely come back.

7.1/10 Would recommend. Just don't queue for a sunbed at 8am. Don't go for dinner at 8pm. Bring a water bottle. Look after your cup. And prepare yourself to eat enough pork to qualify for Spanish citizenship. 🐷