Hotel Heronissos

The hotel itself was nice and the staff were quite friendly, however we were woken up early nearly every morning from around 6:30am by the cleaners moving furniture around. Cleaners also walked in at 8am to my wife and I in bed despite the do not disturb sign displayed. The walls are quite thin so we could hear when people would go through the hallways very loudly as well. There was very little to do in the actual hotel, no entertainment for the entire week we stayed, and the food options with the all-inclusive were very limited, with only one or two options for my wife (who is a vegetarian). The beds could be comfier also. Overall the stay was not the worst holiday experience I’ve had, but it could’ve been much better.

Hotel was very basic and dated, food was the same every day and often cold, restaurant and outdoor seating not really big enough for all guests, only 1 outside bar (not ideal when cold and/or raining) limited drinks selection it smelt really bad (of sewage), as soon as you arrive they hassel you to try and upgrade the room and offered different guests different prices.

We were in the part of the hotel across the road which was unmanned and open the whole time. I don't just mean unlocked I mean doors and fire escapes wedged open.

We arrived quite late on the Tuesday evening and there was no food or drink available at the hotel. We went out to grab something and got into bed about 1am to find that there was sand in the bad. We asked them to change the beds first thing but they didn't. We reminded them several times throughout the day. When we got back after dinner they still hadn't changed them and when I went to reception I was told that housekeeping had gone so we would have to wait until the next day.

Only had entertainment 2 nights.

Lots of guests unhappy, complaining and changing rooms etc.

The photos advertising the hotel are nothing like the hotel.

The fun begins the moment you set foot in the hotel. Apparently, this is where the traditional Greek welcome is replaced by the obligatory shake-down. You will be allocated what appears to be the worst room in the building, where nothing works, something smells distinctly unpleasant and the "double bed" consists of two camp beds pushed together. Charming.

If you fancy an upgrade, that will be another £100, which, to be fair, isn't exactly extortionate, although the upgraded room isn't exactly going to make you question your life choices, it gets you out of that desperate situation. Naturally, there is no receipt for the upgrade, nor for the nightly Climate Crisis Resilience Fee, both of which must be paid in cash, on the spot. Very reassuring.

By this point, it becomes difficult to see how anyone managed to award this place four stars.

The restaurant is far too small for the number of guests, meaning mealtimes can get busy. The food selection is limited and somehow manages to make school dinners look adventurous. Spaghetti Bolognese appears to be a permanent fixture, Don't know why, nobody was eating it. I never actually tried it because it looked so spectacularly unappetising. When fish fingers and onion rings are among your culinary options, you begin to understand what you're dealing with here.

There are, however, some positives. Eating out in Hersonissos is extremely cheap, and the hotel's location is actually very good. You're within easy walking distance of the promenade, numerous restaurants and plenty of opportunities to experience proper Greek food. In hindsight, this is probably where you should spend your money.

And then there's the "all inclusive" experience.

There isn't actually a bar inside the hotel, unless its raining. Instead, you have to wander around to the rear of the complex to the pool bar, where you're presented with a selection of spirits that taste as though they have been distilled from whatever was left over after cleaning the windows. The spirits are clearly of the cheapest possible variety and the cocktails, if you can call them that, have the unmistakable flavour of nail polish remover.

The draught beer, on the other hand, is surprisingly drinkable. Unfortunately, absolutely nothing appears to be served in a proper glass. Everything goes into those flimsy little plastic party cups that collapse in your hand when you try to pick them up. Four-star hotels apparently now serve chilled red wine in plastic cups with a frothy head on top, while the beer comes completely flat. I'm sure there is a sophisticated explanation for this somewhere?

You're also rationed to two small bottles of water in your room each day, meaning that if you actually want to drink water, you'll need to buy your own. An innovative approach to the all-inclusive concept.

The hotel itself looks extremely dated. Imagine Soviet brutalist architecture from the 1930s, give it a fresh coat of paint approximately once every twenty years and you've got the general idea. The lifts are particularly impressive, resembling prison cell doors and apparently designed with a strict maximum occupancy of two people.

To be fair, the staff are friendly and polite, but unfortunately friendly staff cannot compensate for a hotel that is simply not very good.

So, to summarise: the hotel is dated, the all-inclusive package isn't worth bothering with, the food is limited and you're far better off eating out. The location, however, is excellent.

If you do find yourself staying here, get out of the hotel as much as possible. Walk down to the seafront, sample the local restaurants and book a couple of excursions. The boat trip to Spinalonga is well worth doing, and a visit to the ruins at Knossos is also highly recommended.

Would I stay here again? Absolutely not.

Would I recommend it? Only if you enjoy paying four-star prices for what feels suspiciously like two-star accommodation, served with a side order of plastic cups and nail-polish-remover cocktails.

The good news is that Crete itself is fantastic. Unfortunately, you have to leave the hotel to experience it.